Dangit. I hate that.

I hate when you realize you have a thing for someone you previously hated. Dangit. I hate that.

This guy in my class, a hockey-loving egomaniac, drove me nuts for months. Then I went drinking with some friends. And he just shows up, even though none of us really asked him to come join us.

But he was really nice. And charming. And gentlemanly. He had his arm around me a bunch. We actually had a real conversation, rather than some snarky retorts tossed across the room. I hugged him a couple times.

At one point, I considered kissing him.

But only after that shot of tequila though. I do not think this is a coincidence.

But he’s back with his former squeeze, who is both un-cute/hot/whatever and, apparently, a mental case. But he wants to go drinking with me (and likely the rest of the group) before I go back home for Christmas. This isn’t likely to happen but the fact that he’d be interested in hanging out with me again, outside of school, is strange to me.

He’s just charming and good-looking. Therein lies the basis of my tiny crush and nothing more. Although, his black glasses kind of help…

NOT AGAIN.

A teacher who seems to know everything about everything.

This is the man I’m going to marry. Or, at the very least, the man I’m going to have an affair with while feeling awful about myself and wishing he would just leave his damn wife.

I still sneak onto the Facebook page of a particular former high school teacher of mine. I don’t think I would have developed such strong feelings for him if he hadn’t encouraged my flirtations. We exchanged CDs of great indie music. We hung out like pals.

Oh. And did I mention the shoulder rubs he provided me while I was stressed – on two different occasions?

(But I’ll say this now. His big hands gave a fantastic shoulder massage. Ooooers.)

And now I’ve gone and developed a crush/fascination with another teacher. I respect him deeply. He’s funny with a dark sense of humor. He’s a terrific writer and has an odd I-know-everything-and-I-know-it sort of charm.

And he smiled at me today. The guy only smiles when he knows he’s right about something or when he’s making fun of someone. He saw Silly Girl and I studying together in the classroom and he just smiled at me. I think it was an “Awww. You’re actually studying. Perhaps you do give a shit about your Science mark afterall.” sort of smile.

I like to think there was an underlying tone of “Awww. Aren’t you cute.” to that smile… but I know he’s much more loyal than the aforementioned teacher.

Besides. The thought of this teacher giving me shoulder rubs (twice) just seems perverted, obscene and unnatural. So, that’s a bonus.

Old photos make me cry sometimes.

Mom sent me an email today. Attached was an image, a digital photo of an old photograph that Dad found earlier today.

I’m sitting in a bubble bath, nude, with my arms around my dog (who died this summer). My dog looks so young and this photo was taken before the days when breasts had entered the picture- although you can clearly see my nipple in the photo.

I really don’t remember

I started really looking at the photo. And I burst into tears.

This time of the month is never easy on me. I head bitchy a few days before my period. I usually get 1-2 zits on my chin. I get bad cramps just before I start. And my emotions are always on edge.

I can’t blame my sudden crying fit solely on being female… but it reminded me how much I miss her. And how much I miss my family.

Silly Girl is distracted.

Silly Girl developed a crush (nay, fixation) on another guy in our class. This guy was not her type. This particular guy isn’t even interesting. But it distracted her from Batman’s side for a short period of time.

I tried to persuade myself into thinking that my attraction to him was only a lust thing. But his personality is wonderful. I just want to hug him and never let him go. The thought of kissing him makes me feel absolutely electric. And I’ve been having a lot of… um… dreams…

As I sit at this computer, drinking a glass of wine and listening to vintage soul tunes, I am tempted to call him and tell him to come here when he’s done work. Maybe my wine drunk state would make me more charming.

I wonder if sleeping with him would change our relationship. Not that he’d sleep with me.

But still. A girl can dream. And fantasize…

I wonder if I’d still want him to come over and ravage me if I weren’t drinking a glass of wine? Likely.

Batman, how I love thee?

So much for promising not to compete for the same guy ever.

Silly Girl and I both developed a crush on Batman at the same time. She was just more obvious about her fixation. She’s always like that though. But we’ve been spending a lot of time with him and the three of us have become really good friends and…

We’re both liking him more and more.

And she’s inviting him to a Christmas dinner for where she works. I was supposed to be her date. But anyhoozle. I didn’t want to go anyway. I’m still invited to the dance and that’s cool and everything.

I just hope she specifies that it’s just a friend thing and not a “date” date. Egad. I don’t know how I feel about this.

But because I’m an amazing friend, I’m encouraging her to ask him. Why do I do this? Why am I such a loyal friend? It’s ridiculous.

But Batman is a super special guy who adores us both- but I’m positive he doesn’t want either of us. We’re buds.

But he’s growing his beard back in. The day he walked in without his beard, my heart skipped a beat. No joke. Now he’s all whiskery and sexy. The sooner he can grow that beard in, the better. I’ll be less distracted when he has the beard back.

But for now, I’ll keep on lusting…

Oh. And he said I was pretty today. And when Silly Girl asked if he thought she was pretty, he seemed really weirded out. And he definitely paid more attention to me this afternoon. I love that he enjoys making me giggle so much.

Gross. Am I that girl?

I never thought I’d be that girl.

Y’know. The girl who develops crushes on guys who… well… for lack of a better phrase: don’t like girls that way.

FML.

An update.

Haven’t updated in a long time. I’ve been stressed to the kilt- no word of a lie. But I do have some significant updates.

Billy S never called me back, even when I left a message on his answering machine. I don’t know what’s wrong with him- but I’d be tempted to kick him in the junk if I ever met him in public. Not calling someone back is terribly rude.

Drummer Boy may or may not be gay. A good friend of mine (and a mutual friend of DB’s) told me he came out to some friends recently. At first, I thought he was joking. Then, I considered what happened.

First, I felt very weird about it. But Silly Girl did make a valid suggestion: “What straight guy turns out a cute chick with breasts?” She may (or may not) have a good point. I mean, I still feel weird about it- but in a way, relieved.

Other than that, not much is new. I’m far too stressed to really think about wanting a relationship. So yeah.

Bonus.

Racism.

I’ve only considered myself a racist at one time in my life. And that was when I liked a guy in high school who only dated Japanese girls. He dated this one girl in our Drama class. She never spoke a word of English in class and got away with doing nothing. Understandable. But then I heard her chatting with her Korean friend in the bathroom… and the girl spoke better English than me. It made me really, really mad.

Anyway.

Billy S never showed last night, even though his friend said he would. I’m not hugely impressed by this. So, this guy I met online is looking better and better. I just added him to Facebook.

He’s from the Middle East, now living in the same town as I do. I don’t know what I was expecting. But a turban was not one of them. Could different cultures really make things awkward? I’ve never dated, nor had an interest in dating, anyone who wasn’t Caucasian. Not that I’m racist. I just grew up in a very white province with very white people.

This guy seems nice. We have a couple things in common. But I’m suddenly very nervous.

I don’t have plans to meet him, as of yet.

I’d rather see how things go (or don’t go) with Billy S first. He was easy to talk to and we had tons of things in common… Plus, meeting someone at a bar and talking for 2 hours seems like a much more natural, organic way of meeting someone.

So, which do I try? A guy with a similar upbringing and lots of things in common… but someone who didn’t show up. Or a nice guy from a different culture who asked me out for coffee.

Thus, my dilemma.

Options…?

A couple days ago, Silly Girl and I ran into Drummer Boy in the music shop. (That shop used to be a Holy place for me. Now, much like where he works, it is now tainted. Great.) We made awkward conversation. It was OK. Except for when my voice cracked. And Silly Girl pointed it out, as if it wasn’t obvious enough. Ugh. Then she made a comment about how awkward it was.

Fantastic. Oh. And I also saw him briefly at a bar on Saturday night.

(I would later get revenge today by making a joke in front of the guy she likes. She asked him: “Are you coming tomorrow?” I said, “Wow. That’s really a personal thing to ask…” Heh heh heh times a thousand. Victory.)

Anyhoozle. Yeah, that sucked. Big-time. But I’ve recently come to the conclusion that Drummer Boy really doesn’t like me that way and I have to move on. Somehow. Yeah. Blondie signed me up for an online dating website and I’ve been talking to this guy from town on that. He seems fairly interesting.

But I did, actually, meet a guy on Saturday night, at the aforementioned bar. We talked about lots of stuff. He’d had a couple beers. I was well on my way to being blitzed. But I wasn’t nervous at all. He walked with me and Silly Girl and her current crush (who shall be nicknamed later) until 3:30 a.m. and walked us back to my place. The four of us hung out outside while waiting for their drive to arrive. My guy put his leather jacket around my shoulders when I made a comment about being cold.

I haven’t talked to him (who I will refer to as Billy S from here on out) since that night. But I guess he’s coming to the bar tomorrow night and hanging out with Silly Girl, Blondie, Silly Girl’s crush and another friend of ours. And according to Silly Girl’s crush, Billy S said I was “interesting.”

Hmmmm. “Interesting.” Thesaurus.com lists absorbing, affecting, alluring, amusing, arresting, attractive, beautiful, captivating, charismatic, compelling, curious, delightful, elegant, enchanting, engaging, engrossing, enthralling, entrancing, exceptional, exotic, fascinating, fine, gracious, gripping, impressive, intriguing, inviting, lovely, magnetic, pleasing, pleasurable, prepossessing, provocative, readable, refreshing, riveting, stimulating, stirring, striking, suspicious, thought-provoking, unusual and winning as possible synonyms. Although I’m not completely thrilled about “unusual” and “suspicious” so much, the rest seem fairly good.

I especially like “alluring,” “beautiful,” “enchanting,” “lovely,” and “magnetic.” Oh. And “fine.” LOL

Ohfuck.Ohfuck.Ohfuck.

I am exactly where I was 6 (7?) months ago. In emotional hell.

In deep like with a boy who seems super sweet and perfect but feeling miserable because of the current situation.

I’m not even going to lie. My mixed up feelings over Drummer Boy is pretty much the main reason I started this oh-so-secret blog in the first place. I started this blog so my friends wouldn’t straight up murder my ass for whining about him too much. I need to get this out and this blog did that for me.

I think it would’ve been better if he had just said hi and went on his merry way. But no. He’s a super nice guy. He didn’t even seem awkward or anything, despite everything. He seemed genuinely happy to see me.

He put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me. During the opening act, he stood by me in the front. When a couple girls forced their way to the front, he grabbed me and brought me back to the front, with him. And there were a few moments of eye contact/cuteness that… that…

It gave me hope. And all those oh-so familiar feelings came flooding back to me. And I thought, even just for a few minutes, “What if…?” “What if he was still thinking about me?” “What if I had actually crossed his mind?” “What if he still had feelings for me?”

But then my friends dashed my hopes and dreams by referring him to a “user”, a “player” and an “idiot.” He more-than-likely was just being nice. He owed me at least that much. But still… he put his arm around me. Twice. That’s more physical contact than we had when we were “dating.”

Fuck.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKCUFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over the summer, he suggested we “go out for coffee.” That seems fairly casual, very friendly. I’d settle for that. He’s such a nice guy, genuinely funny and entertaining and nerdy. But I can’t suggest we go for coffee. I can’t. Last time, I always did the chasing, even though he’s the one that asked me out in the first place. So, if there really is still something there, he’ll do something about it.

But am I expecting anything? No. Am I expecting miracles? No. Do I secretly hope and pray that our eye contact tonight sparked something and would make him pick up the phone and call me?

Yes.