An update.

Haven’t updated in a long time. I’ve been stressed to the kilt- no word of a lie. But I do have some significant updates.

Billy S never called me back, even when I left a message on his answering machine. I don’t know what’s wrong with him- but I’d be tempted to kick him in the junk if I ever met him in public. Not calling someone back is terribly rude.

Drummer Boy may or may not be gay. A good friend of mine (and a mutual friend of DB’s) told me he came out to some friends recently. At first, I thought he was joking. Then, I considered what happened.

First, I felt very weird about it. But Silly Girl did make a valid suggestion: “What straight guy turns out a cute chick with breasts?” She may (or may not) have a good point. I mean, I still feel weird about it- but in a way, relieved.

Other than that, not much is new. I’m far too stressed to really think about wanting a relationship. So yeah.

Bonus.

Racism.

I’ve only considered myself a racist at one time in my life. And that was when I liked a guy in high school who only dated Japanese girls. He dated this one girl in our Drama class. She never spoke a word of English in class and got away with doing nothing. Understandable. But then I heard her chatting with her Korean friend in the bathroom… and the girl spoke better English than me. It made me really, really mad.

Anyway.

Billy S never showed last night, even though his friend said he would. I’m not hugely impressed by this. So, this guy I met online is looking better and better. I just added him to Facebook.

He’s from the Middle East, now living in the same town as I do. I don’t know what I was expecting. But a turban was not one of them. Could different cultures really make things awkward? I’ve never dated, nor had an interest in dating, anyone who wasn’t Caucasian. Not that I’m racist. I just grew up in a very white province with very white people.

This guy seems nice. We have a couple things in common. But I’m suddenly very nervous.

I don’t have plans to meet him, as of yet.

I’d rather see how things go (or don’t go) with Billy S first. He was easy to talk to and we had tons of things in common… Plus, meeting someone at a bar and talking for 2 hours seems like a much more natural, organic way of meeting someone.

So, which do I try? A guy with a similar upbringing and lots of things in common… but someone who didn’t show up. Or a nice guy from a different culture who asked me out for coffee.

Thus, my dilemma.

Options…?

A couple days ago, Silly Girl and I ran into Drummer Boy in the music shop. (That shop used to be a Holy place for me. Now, much like where he works, it is now tainted. Great.) We made awkward conversation. It was OK. Except for when my voice cracked. And Silly Girl pointed it out, as if it wasn’t obvious enough. Ugh. Then she made a comment about how awkward it was.

Fantastic. Oh. And I also saw him briefly at a bar on Saturday night.

(I would later get revenge today by making a joke in front of the guy she likes. She asked him: “Are you coming tomorrow?” I said, “Wow. That’s really a personal thing to ask…” Heh heh heh times a thousand. Victory.)

Anyhoozle. Yeah, that sucked. Big-time. But I’ve recently come to the conclusion that Drummer Boy really doesn’t like me that way and I have to move on. Somehow. Yeah. Blondie signed me up for an online dating website and I’ve been talking to this guy from town on that. He seems fairly interesting.

But I did, actually, meet a guy on Saturday night, at the aforementioned bar. We talked about lots of stuff. He’d had a couple beers. I was well on my way to being blitzed. But I wasn’t nervous at all. He walked with me and Silly Girl and her current crush (who shall be nicknamed later) until 3:30 a.m. and walked us back to my place. The four of us hung out outside while waiting for their drive to arrive. My guy put his leather jacket around my shoulders when I made a comment about being cold.

I haven’t talked to him (who I will refer to as Billy S from here on out) since that night. But I guess he’s coming to the bar tomorrow night and hanging out with Silly Girl, Blondie, Silly Girl’s crush and another friend of ours. And according to Silly Girl’s crush, Billy S said I was “interesting.”

Hmmmm. “Interesting.” Thesaurus.com lists absorbing, affecting, alluring, amusing, arresting, attractive, beautiful, captivating, charismatic, compelling, curious, delightful, elegant, enchanting, engaging, engrossing, enthralling, entrancing, exceptional, exotic, fascinating, fine, gracious, gripping, impressive, intriguing, inviting, lovely, magnetic, pleasing, pleasurable, prepossessing, provocative, readable, refreshing, riveting, stimulating, stirring, striking, suspicious, thought-provoking, unusual and winning as possible synonyms. Although I’m not completely thrilled about “unusual” and “suspicious” so much, the rest seem fairly good.

I especially like “alluring,” “beautiful,” “enchanting,” “lovely,” and “magnetic.” Oh. And “fine.” LOL

Ohfuck.Ohfuck.Ohfuck.

I am exactly where I was 6 (7?) months ago. In emotional hell.

In deep like with a boy who seems super sweet and perfect but feeling miserable because of the current situation.

I’m not even going to lie. My mixed up feelings over Drummer Boy is pretty much the main reason I started this oh-so-secret blog in the first place. I started this blog so my friends wouldn’t straight up murder my ass for whining about him too much. I need to get this out and this blog did that for me.

I think it would’ve been better if he had just said hi and went on his merry way. But no. He’s a super nice guy. He didn’t even seem awkward or anything, despite everything. He seemed genuinely happy to see me.

He put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me. During the opening act, he stood by me in the front. When a couple girls forced their way to the front, he grabbed me and brought me back to the front, with him. And there were a few moments of eye contact/cuteness that… that…

It gave me hope. And all those oh-so familiar feelings came flooding back to me. And I thought, even just for a few minutes, “What if…?” “What if he was still thinking about me?” “What if I had actually crossed his mind?” “What if he still had feelings for me?”

But then my friends dashed my hopes and dreams by referring him to a “user”, a “player” and an “idiot.” He more-than-likely was just being nice. He owed me at least that much. But still… he put his arm around me. Twice. That’s more physical contact than we had when we were “dating.”

Fuck.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKCUFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Over the summer, he suggested we “go out for coffee.” That seems fairly casual, very friendly. I’d settle for that. He’s such a nice guy, genuinely funny and entertaining and nerdy. But I can’t suggest we go for coffee. I can’t. Last time, I always did the chasing, even though he’s the one that asked me out in the first place. So, if there really is still something there, he’ll do something about it.

But am I expecting anything? No. Am I expecting miracles? No. Do I secretly hope and pray that our eye contact tonight sparked something and would make him pick up the phone and call me?

Yes.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing Drummer Boy for the first time. And probably talking to him. Maybe even for a few minutes.

My new roommate is coming with us. And I, for some reason, thought she might want to know my whole (albeit, brief) history with him. Just so she knew why I was acting the way I was.

And now that I’ve gone through the whole thing- from start to finish- I feel very nervous about tomorrow.

Will have to make myself feel better by pouring various drinks down my throat and hoping I don’t say anything stupid.

Here goes nothin’.

I’m back. But am I?

Well, I’m back in the dorm. Classes start Monday. I’ll be with the wee ones. Should be interesting.

I’ve been here for less than a week and, already, part of me wants to stab Silly Girl in the neck. She continues to choose guys who don’t give a shit about her over friends who love her. I just wish she could love herself and not feel this unreasonable need for a boyfriend. She even said she hated turning 20 last month because she said she could feel her biological clock ticking. And she was being serious.

Good God, woman! Pull yourself together!

Aaaaaaand I just got a message from Chef Boy. He said he wants to see Drummer Boy’s band play sometime. And as horrible as it sounds, I really don’t want that ever happening. He doesn’t get indie music. He just doesn’t. But I can’t make him not see them… I can, however, encourage him to not step foot into a bar, lest he feel tempted to drink. Yeah. I think I’ll take that angle.

Cute nicknames.

The frequency of my use of this blog is beginning to be a concern. I only use this blog for things I can’t share with others for fear of degradation or humiliation. I certainly don’t want my friends and loved ones knowing how I really feel about certain people and events. God, no!

So, yeah.

Cute nicknames are usually saved for use by friends, close companions, family members, etc. Not people who may or may not have broken your heart a little bit.

Ummmmmmm. Silly Girl was talking to Drummer Boy. And he referred to me by a cute nickname. Keep in mind, this nickname isn’t uncommon for someone with my name but the fact that he used it makes me even more nervous about seeing him again.

I’ve got Uneasy Tummy Syndrome again.

I really gotta get over this. I HAVE TO GET OVER THIS.

…Why can’t he just grab me ’round the waist- like in the movies- dip me dramatically and kiss me in front of the whole world? Why can’t he just forget about what happened, take me back, be my boyfriend? Why can’t we just get married and live happily ever after?!

…Is that so much to ask?

I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I’M NOT JEALOUS.

Chef Boy sent some very flirtacious messages over Facebook to my new roommate, Tiny Dancer. My roommate who, by the way, he has never met face-to-face. I haven’t even met her yet.

You don’t declare your love for someone several times, put them through upset all summer and then turn around and cyber-flirt with their roommate! It’s practically incest.

I’m not jealous. I’m not jealous. I just think it’s far too forward of him to go ahead and do something like that.

So… I made a point of telling the new roommate about Chef Boy’s issues. So, he can flirt with her as much as he wants.

I’m not jealous, I swear. I just think if you’re going to tell one of your best friends that you’re in love with them while saying suicidal-type things and making them feel super guilty about it, they sure as hell had better mean it.

I’m a good friend. I am.

I’m really not in the mood to go into the details.

But I just stabbed a friend in the back. But I did it for his own good, even if he doesn’t know it yet.

Maybe nothing will come of what I did. But I did it for him. He’s been depending on me for too long. I could’ve told his parents plenty of things. But I didn’t.

I’m still a good friend. I am. No matter how guilty I feel right now.

He won’t thank me for this. Hopefully, he’ll never find out I’m the one who tipped her off. But she needed to know.

[edit] Oh, good. Now I don’t feel guilty. She already knew everything. I feel better now. Not 100%, given the situation, but still. Better.

Typical.

Chef Boy was fired from his job. His internship job. It’s a major part of his college course. His parents are coming to pick him as I write this.

He might not be able to come back to school. And if he is, he might not be able to come back to the residence.

I feel bad… but also relieved. I’m going to be so busy this year. But I also want to enjoy my time. And I don’t want to have to baby-sit him this year. Last year was bad enough. Now that he realizes he has a problem, I think it’s going to be worse.

I’m not his girlfriend and I’m sure as shit not his mother. I’m not looking after him this year. I tried to do that last year and he didn’t take me seriously. Fuck it. I give up.